kristinajade's blog

a lot of things needs to stop and a lot of things needs to change. I need to be in full force dedicated. i need be strong for me.. I need to do all this for me! Because in the end.. all i have is me.

These past couple of months have been pretty rough for me. I was going through so much and i was so in denial. I broke down a lot and realized and learned a lot. Every time i go through these phases of mini depressions i break down, i try to shut everyone out and shut myself down. The only person that understands me and let me go through it because he knows only i can make self better is Mario. It blows my mind how much he knows and still he's here for me 100% so 3 months is all it took for me to realize that i was going through a heart break and i feel completely embarrassed. i never thought my first real heart break would be like this... lol can my life get any more lame? but i am glad i am starting to come to my senses and move on. i can't be like this, i can't get love a chance to hurt me anymore. I have chosen a path that i want, i want my career.. i need be focus and on point. Love, i feel like it only slows me down and breaks me. I guess Mario is right, i am not a typical kind of girl.. i don't go through phases like everyone else and i come to realize that. I hope what i am doing is for the best for myself, i guess you can say.. when it comes to love "i am a tough cookie!" haha

so i have deactivated my facebook for about 2 weeks now and wow.. i get so bored. Like i don't know what else to do after watching all my subscriptions from youtube. i think i should really stop trying to avoid my guilt and start going to the gym again. I hate the first week of gym dedication.. its hard. lol but i know i have too.. i have a wedding in about 4 months and i just need to start dedicating myself to what i say i am going to do. no more late nights.. lol i need to give that up also. sooo my latest night to stay out is 12am.. 1am is pushing it. i need discipline.

Its nice when you see a little gratitude shown towards you. If only we all understand that everyone needs a pat in the back from time to time.

I honestly don't get it... for the past 6 months being a server for a small restaurant i have came across people that are so unbelievable. Yes, my job is to serve you.. yes, i know your hungry and you have needs but i am not a dog. I hate the "customer first" rule! some people need to look around them and realize they're like everyone else here. I am honestly to tired to give it my truth in this blog. i am still learning and getting use to this serving job and having that mind set takes time getting use to. I am so grateful that some people understand that this is a serious part time job working by myself, busting, hosting, and serving. I wish people would understand where i am coming from.. but not everyone is the same and will look at the way i see things. Customers need to understand that we try out best to satisfy your stay.. and sometimes servers do make mistakes just like you do. I hate it when people get mad at others for making a mistake that really.. can be fixed or let go but when they make a mistake..ohh it's fine. Look at yourself and see what a hypocrite you are. This is ridiculous... if i could i would sock some sense into some people. But those that understand.. thank you!

dude.. i am trying to let go.. and it's soo fucken hard.

I wanna go snowboarding.. College night!! =D sounds like a fun idea!

So i decide i wanna really get into sports. I think i gotten into football more than ever this year. It's sooo fun.. i have love for this sport. I wanna get into basketball and baseball now:):) i wanna have a legit convo about sports one day.. and actually know what i am talking about. hahaha

wow.. this is a test.. because i just wrote (in my personal opinion) the most honest blog i've ever written from the heart and the laptop just decided to reset itself. :) it's okay.. because i know what it was meant for and its probably a sign that it's meant to kept deep in my heart. (actions speak louder than words)

okay, so i am sitting here... still sick. (not the point) but anyway, i was thinking lately my dreams has been very unusual.. lol all dreams are right? but last nights/todays dream seem so real. i wish i can control my dreams but that wouldn't be fun. I came to a conclusion that dreams are.. no. no. ... dreams can be a big part of your deep desires or fear. unless your in a dream and know your dreaming than it's not a real desire.. if it felt so real, so natural, so RIGHT. its what i believe to be what you are yearning for.. don't get me wrong.. there are nightmares.. now nightmares are fears. so with all that said let me tell you my dream.. so it was me, princess and my brother driving together trying to find a florist store so he can get his gf a bouquet of flowers, as we parked i left princess in the car *windows down* lol that's kinda funny how i manage to even leave the car window down for princess so she can breath in fresh air. hahaha okay sorry.. back to my dream. So after, my brother disappeared *you know how dreams just change its settings* so then i realized a familiar house near by and decided to drop by and visit. i actually walked my way to the house.. it was fairly close. The home i came to visit *this is stupid* was a guy i use to talk to named Jacob.. for some reason, that i do not know; but Jacob had died. On my way to jocob's house.. appeared his cousin, this cute blonde girl. She started to walk besides me and talk to me about Jacob and i did too.. at this moment.. my heart was so pure, like i had some love for the guy. I talked about him as if we were together (but we were never together, just to make it CLEAR).. As we got to the house, i walked inside and saw Pat who happens to be his cousin in my dream but nothing of each other in real life *Pat is a guy who i am totally in love with right now.. only a hand full of people know* Pat and I always had an attraction towards one another. As we set eyes upon each other... it felt like the first time all over again.. this feeling of rush.. a forbidden love. We smiled at each other and stared into each others eyes.. burning with a hidden desire for one another. There was so much passion we had for another that it hurt us both inside.. so i broke the silence. I asked him a few questions and vice versa.. when i left, it was like my heart broke all over again. *setting change* when i left a darkness over cast me and i ran.. i ran to find my car but only got lost.... and i woke up. You see what i mean.. dreams that felt so real.. that desire i had for Pat in the dream felt so real. Dreams are heart breakers mannn! lol tell me whats your desired dream?